Don't Really Have a Title for This

I love movies. I love all movies. I love being temporally transported to an entirely new world in which I can experience both the highest highs of joy and the deepest bowels of depression. In a mere two hours I go through more emotions than I have previously felt in my life. There is no such thing as a bad movie. Even cheap “slasher” flicks like House of Wax, bestow upon me a special sadistic pleasantry as I watch Paris Hilton die. However, out of all the movies I have seen there are a select few that I will venture out and sophomorically call the best. I label them as such not for their cinematography or use of color or special effects. I keep this group of movies separate from all of the others I have seen because it is from these movies that I learn something about myself. Whether it is from the plot or the characters, I leave each movie deep in an introspective frenzy of thought. The movies are (in no particular order):

The Libertine

Saved!

The Basketball Diaries

Good Will Hunting

Each one of these movies leaves me speechless each time I see them. However, most recent in my mind is Good Will Hunting and is my inspiration for writing this.

There is a line in the movie that made me stop and really think. The line is given by the psychologist Sean (Robin Williams), and is, “You don’t know about real loss, because it only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself.” I love this movie because I am Will, just not a genius. I can’t open up. I have kept everyone I know at an arms length my entire life. I don’t know what it means to be vulnerable. I can let people love me, I just can’t love back. I don’t know how, and instead of just diving into a relationship head first I have always just stood back and done what I thought I was supposed to do to make whichever girl I was dating at the time love me. Then once I get to the critical point at which I have to actually give something I just pick apart whoever she is until I go back to my safe little single mode. I know why I do it, because when I meet a girl that intrigues me I focus so heavily on what captivates me that I start to think she is perfect. I have done it with every girl that has ever held the minutest piece of my imagination. Most of the time I usually just become “friends” with the girl and eventually once I have enough evidence against her perfection I realize how much of a dumb ass I am and stop any further pursuit of a relationship, and openly greet a new friend. However in the time between arousing my intrigue and then shattering it all at once I severely manipulate my exposure to her and hers to me. Because just for that short time she really is perfect to me, and I can fantasize about what a relationship would be like with her. Once as pathetic as it was, I would not be around this girl I new, LeeAnn , without my headphones in because she was so perfect in my head that the slightest utterance of sound from her mouth would completely ruin the idea I had about what she was like, and who she was. It’s pathetic I know, but I really don’t know how to honestly open up to someone, and wish I had the chance to go back into some of my previous relationships and actually do so just to see what could have happened. I’ve always envied people who find love, and wish I could, but I just do not have the slightest fucking idea on how to open up at all. I guess the only thing that I can do is just sit around and wait until I find someone that just makes me happy. I need to find someone I can talk to and really just let loose with. Someone I can be stupid with; and when I find her, well I really don’t know what to do, I gather that it is suppose to just kind of come. I guess the key is to not look for perfection too hard or at least not nit-pick the imperfections. But then again I really don’t know at all, and the vast majority of this is just kind of coming out of my ass.

My Girl

I want a girl. I want a girl that I can love. That I can fall for every single time I look at her. A girl that no matter what she says or does I will never think anything less of her; A girl who knocks me off of my feet by just looking at me. I want to love her so bad that it hurts. That it kills me every time she has to go away. I want to love her so bad that I would do anything for her. God I know that sounds so fucking cheesy, but when I think of it whenever I have thought about wanting a girl this is what I wanted. No girl has ever really made me feel this way. Not Jaimie, not Lenora. It’s sad. I care about both of them, and did while we were and are going out. I used to think that I just loved differently. But now I know. I don’t love differently at all. It’s just all of the girls I meet and start to date don’t live up to my standards. I know it sounds selfish, but shouldn’t I be entitled to everything that everyone else claims to feel? Why shouldn’t I? I hear all these people talk about the love they’re in and it pisses me off. I used to be so damn bitter. I never knew why. Now I know. I want to experience what I see in the movies. I want to meet a girl that is amazing. That I would introduce to my parents with pride. I want to love her for my whole life. I want to look into her eyes and know that she is everything I could ever want; and I want her to see the same in my eyes. I want to grow old with her; I don’t care if it comes easy or hard, if we are dirt poor, or filthy rich, as long as our love is true. That is all I care about. The rest of life won’t matter as long as I have her. This is why I love epic movies so much. Epic movies have epic love stories. Achilles’ and Briseis; Tristan and Isolde; Rick and Ilsa; Fuck, Harry and Ginny. It doesn't matter at all. Every great movie has a great love story. And every time I see one I melt. No, that’s not gay. I fucking go crazy when I see love like that. I want it so bad. I want to be able to love someone as fiercely, passionately, and insanely as these characters. I want her to be my equal in every way. I don’t want to look up to her nor do I want her to be anywhere near below me. I want her to be someone that I am crazy for; and who is crazy for me. I want her to be the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, but brilliantly intelligent, horrendously funny, and amazingly real. I want a girl that whenever I see her I get butterflies in my stomach, goose bumps on my skin, and pains in my heart. I don’t know what else to say, but please God, whoever or whatever you are, if you even give a damn about me please help me find her.