Don't Really Have a Title for This

I love movies. I love all movies. I love being temporally transported to an entirely new world in which I can experience both the highest highs of joy and the deepest bowels of depression. In a mere two hours I go through more emotions than I have previously felt in my life. There is no such thing as a bad movie. Even cheap “slasher” flicks like House of Wax, bestow upon me a special sadistic pleasantry as I watch Paris Hilton die. However, out of all the movies I have seen there are a select few that I will venture out and sophomorically call the best. I label them as such not for their cinematography or use of color or special effects. I keep this group of movies separate from all of the others I have seen because it is from these movies that I learn something about myself. Whether it is from the plot or the characters, I leave each movie deep in an introspective frenzy of thought. The movies are (in no particular order):

The Libertine

Saved!

The Basketball Diaries

Good Will Hunting

Each one of these movies leaves me speechless each time I see them. However, most recent in my mind is Good Will Hunting and is my inspiration for writing this.

There is a line in the movie that made me stop and really think. The line is given by the psychologist Sean (Robin Williams), and is, “You don’t know about real loss, because it only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself.” I love this movie because I am Will, just not a genius. I can’t open up. I have kept everyone I know at an arms length my entire life. I don’t know what it means to be vulnerable. I can let people love me, I just can’t love back. I don’t know how, and instead of just diving into a relationship head first I have always just stood back and done what I thought I was supposed to do to make whichever girl I was dating at the time love me. Then once I get to the critical point at which I have to actually give something I just pick apart whoever she is until I go back to my safe little single mode. I know why I do it, because when I meet a girl that intrigues me I focus so heavily on what captivates me that I start to think she is perfect. I have done it with every girl that has ever held the minutest piece of my imagination. Most of the time I usually just become “friends” with the girl and eventually once I have enough evidence against her perfection I realize how much of a dumb ass I am and stop any further pursuit of a relationship, and openly greet a new friend. However in the time between arousing my intrigue and then shattering it all at once I severely manipulate my exposure to her and hers to me. Because just for that short time she really is perfect to me, and I can fantasize about what a relationship would be like with her. Once as pathetic as it was, I would not be around this girl I new, LeeAnn , without my headphones in because she was so perfect in my head that the slightest utterance of sound from her mouth would completely ruin the idea I had about what she was like, and who she was. It’s pathetic I know, but I really don’t know how to honestly open up to someone, and wish I had the chance to go back into some of my previous relationships and actually do so just to see what could have happened. I’ve always envied people who find love, and wish I could, but I just do not have the slightest fucking idea on how to open up at all. I guess the only thing that I can do is just sit around and wait until I find someone that just makes me happy. I need to find someone I can talk to and really just let loose with. Someone I can be stupid with; and when I find her, well I really don’t know what to do, I gather that it is suppose to just kind of come. I guess the key is to not look for perfection too hard or at least not nit-pick the imperfections. But then again I really don’t know at all, and the vast majority of this is just kind of coming out of my ass.